I fucking hate this feeling.

My mind.
My mind does this to me.

Every weekend.
I sit here.
Alone.
And wonder.
And hope that you don’t find someone better.

I just don’t want to lose you.

And I’m 500 miles away,
completely and utterly powerless in this situation.

And the kicker,
it’s only 9:32pm.
I still have at least 4 to 5 more hours of being awake to have to deal with these thoughts that run through my head.

It’s just that, on top of already being quite the insecure little fucker that I am, my last real relationship ended with me being cheated on.

The good thing is,
I am trying my best to get better at dealing with this.

I’m learning to trust again.

And I really do love you.
And I really do trust you.
And I really do miss you.

And I just want you here, with me.

And if you want to know the truth,
an absolute fact, is that it is absolute proof of how fucking perfect and amazing I think you are, that I am changing these things about me.

It’s taking some real, and I mean, REAL fucking hard work for me to change myself to be able to love again, and trust again, and to do all of that while we’re so far apart.

But see, that’s just it,…
that’s YOU making me a better person.

And I dunno,
I apologize for this,…
I’m just being as honest as I can possibly be.
To tell the truth,
some of my biggest flaws I see in myself are what I mentioned above.

My point:
just know that I love you.
And I am flawed to the point where my mind and imagination literally put me in physical pain alot (when I’m talking about how I have that stomach feeling, this is what I’m talking about),…
but I’m working on improving myself to where those flaws become a part of my past.

I just miss you.
And wish you were here….
so I could hold you,
and help take care of your hurt thumb,
and fix you macaroni & cheese,
and wake up beside you,
and make fun of your giraffe,
and just…

yeah.

I love you.

And see, now I’ve typed all of this out, and I feel a little better right now.

I say it alot, but that’s really because I don’t think I could say it enough…
I love you.

:)